Is Self-Love Overrated?

How To Practice Self-Compassion in an Actually Productive Way

This phrase has become incredibly popular over the past few years, synonymous with getting an expensive massage, splurging on a silk robe, or trying to appreciate your own body. It’s been commercialized, criticized, praised, preached, dissected, and transformed. What does it really mean?

The public’s idea of self-love has completely changed over the past 50 years. In the 1980s, the predominant mindset was that of working hard and swallowing your pain. People were expected to be extremely resilient from trauma, and therapy was way more stigmatized than it is today. 

Starting in the early 2000s, self-love transformed into a concept associated with taking care of yourself. Big companies commandeered the term for mass marketing campaigns aimed at encouraging you to spend more money to increase your self-esteem. Because of this, most people associate self-love with another popular term: self-care. Self-care is traditionally associated with activities like taking a nice bath, treating yourself to a facial, indulging in a piece of cake, or having a spa night. These ideas of self-care have been perpetuated by the beauty industry to sell more face masks, more hand creams, more fluffy robes, and more chocolate bars. 

Over the last few years, giant strides have been made in the conversations surrounding mental health, identity, and self-esteem. The public has come leaps and bounds from where it used to be in terms of its nuanced understanding of psychological concepts. An emerging group of authors and activists have reclaimed self-love from clever marketing agencies and have returned to its intended meaning. With this came a new wave of believers in self-love and self-compassion– beyond just buying new shoes or getting your nails done. 

But has the phrase become overused and overrated? People preach self-love everywhere, as a cure-all for any problem. The reality is that in many situations, simply loving yourself more will fail to fully solve your problems. There are situations where some tough love could help us more than full acceptance without question. The challenges we face in life are much more complex, detailed, and nuanced than something a bubble bath can solve. Because the term has become so overused that it’s nearly devoid of meaning, here are some ways to make sure your self-love isn’t for performance purposes only.

1. Self-love is knowing when you need to be tough on yourself. 

Sometimes people use self-love as an excuse for refusing to reflect on their mistakes. We’re all human beings who sometimes do things wrong. We need to know how to hold ourselves accountable for these mistakes, rather than blindly and immediately accepting everything we do as A-Okay. 

A less fun part of practicing self-love is that after you forgive yourself for your regrets, you have to put in the work to heal that part of you. Continually making the same mistakes and ignoring them in the name of loving yourself is not truly self-compassion. You’ll continue digging holes for yourself, burning bridges, harming relationships or your career. It’s not fun, but putting in the tough work to heal yourself pays dividends in your wellbeing later on.

2. Self-love is the cute spa nights, but also the ugly kitchen chores. 

Completing tasks that are extremely annoying, but good for your long-term wellbeing is a critical part of self-love that is often overlooked. Doing the dishes, getting an overdue surgery, calling your annoying relative, or going to the gym even when you don’t want to are examples of no-fun tasks that are critical to your health and happiness long-term. 

While the instagrammable parts of self-love have taken over the discourse on this subject, it’s important to remember that the true practice of self-love includes doing a ton of things you really don’t want to do. In fact, if you’re truly practicing self-compassion, you’ll find yourself doing things you hate all the time–but you’ll thank yourself a million times over for it when you feel your mental and physical health improvement.

3. Self-love is being your own biggest supporter.

There is a fine line between always trying to improve yourself as a person, and perpetually hating who you are in the now. Be present, and try being your own best friend. You want to see your best friend succeed and become the best person they can be–but you’d never insult them or say horrible things to inspire them to do that. Negative self-talk and insulting your current state won’t help you get where you want to go. 

Think of self-improvement as a fun game or challenge between you and yourself. The person you will know the longest and the most well throughout your entire life is yourself. You have to spend more time in your brain than anyone else. You might as well make it a kind encouraging, fun, and challenging place to be.